摘要：接受——歸根結(jié)底就是這樣。我就是這樣，經(jīng)過(guò)兜兜轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)的路程，從這樣的苦痛出發(fā)，走到了現(xiàn)在，來(lái)到了這里。而我還活著，還充滿希望。

　　My mother was a woman hollowed out like a treestruck by lightning. I wanted to know why.

　　我母親生前是一個(gè)沒(méi)了生命活力的人，就像一棵被閃電擊中的樹(shù)。我很想知道為什么她會(huì)這樣。

　　Ever since her first suicide attempt, in 1978, when Iwas 22, I had been trying to fill in gaps. She wasgone much of the time in my early childhood, andwhen she returned nobody spoke about theabsence.

　　1978年，我22歲時(shí)，她第一次自殺未遂，自那之后，我就一直在試著找到答案。在我年幼時(shí)，她很多時(shí)候都不在家中，當(dāng)她回來(lái)時(shí)，大家都對(duì)她之前的離開(kāi)避而不談。

　　I learned much later that she had suffered acute depression after my younger sister’s birth in1957. She was in hospitals and sanitariums being shot full of insulin — a treatment then invogue for severe mental disorder — and electricity. The resulting spasms, seizures,convulsions and comas were supposed to jar her from her “puerperal psychosis,” the termthen used in England for postpartum depression.

　　很久以后，我才知道，我妹妹1957年出生后，母親就患上了嚴(yán)重的抑郁癥。她住在醫(yī)院和療養(yǎng)院，被注射了大劑量的胰島素——當(dāng)時(shí)用它來(lái)治療嚴(yán)重的精神障礙——并接受電擊療法。人們認(rèn)為，由此產(chǎn)生的痙攣、抽搐、驚厥和昏迷可以讓她從“產(chǎn)后精神病”中恢復(fù)過(guò)來(lái)。當(dāng)年在英格蘭，“產(chǎn)后精神病”指的就是產(chǎn)后抑郁癥。

　　In 1958, my mother was admitted to the Holloway Sanatorium, the sprawling Victorian Gothicfantasy of a 19th-century tycoon, Thomas Holloway, who amassed a fortune through the saleof dubious medicinal concoctions. The sanitarium, opened in 1885, was a great heap of gabledredbrick buildings, topped by a tower rising 145 feet into the damp air of Surrey.

　　1958年，我的母親住進(jìn)了霍洛威療養(yǎng)院(Holloway Sanatorium)，那是一座龐大的建筑，是19世紀(jì)大亨托馬斯·霍洛威(Thomas Holloway)的維多利亞哥特式幻想，此人通過(guò)出售可疑的藥用配劑積累了財(cái)富。這家療養(yǎng)院于1885年開(kāi)業(yè)，它由很多三角墻紅磚建筑組成，還有一個(gè)145英尺高的尖頂，聳立在薩里郡潮濕的空氣中。

　　Run initially as a private institution, the Holloway Sanatorium became a mental hospital withinBritain’s National Health Service after World War II. It was not closed until 1981. Many of itsrecords and casebooks were burned. The gutted building became a setting for horror movies.Directors could not believe their luck. It is now a gated community of luxury homes.

　　霍洛威療養(yǎng)院最初是一家民營(yíng)機(jī)構(gòu)，第二次世界大戰(zhàn)后成為英國(guó)國(guó)民健康服務(wù)(National Health Service)系統(tǒng)中的精神病院，一直到1981年才停業(yè)。它的很多記錄和病例資料都被燒毀。后來(lái)這棟內(nèi)部被掏空的建筑物成為了拍恐怖片的地方。導(dǎo)演們簡(jiǎn)直不敢相信自己如此好運(yùn)。現(xiàn)在，它則成為了一個(gè)封閉的豪宅社區(qū)。

　　Some records were preserved at the Surrey History Center. In the faint hope that a traceremained of my mother, I wrote to inquire. My parents had never spoken in any detail of herfirst depression. A letter came back a few weeks later. References to June Bernice Cohen hadbeen located in the admissions register and in ward reports from July 1958.

　　該療養(yǎng)院的有些記錄保存在薩里歷史中心(Surrey History Center)。我覺(jué)得母親當(dāng)年的資料可能還留有片紙只言，于是懷著微弱的希望，給他們寫(xiě)去了詢問(wèn)信。我父母從來(lái)沒(méi)有談到她第一次抑郁癥發(fā)作時(shí)的任何細(xì)節(jié)。幾個(gè)星期后，我收到了回信。他們?cè)?958年7月之后的一些入院注冊(cè)和病房報(bào)告中，找到了吉恩·伯尼斯·科恩(June Bernice Cohen)的名字。

　　These showed that “she was patient number 9413, was admitted on 25th July 1958 anddischarged on 12th September 1958.” The ward reports for most of August and Septemberhad vanished. I applied under Britain’s Freedom of Information Act to see the records.

　　這些資料顯示，“她的患者編號(hào)是9413，1958年7月25日入院，1958年9月12日出院。8月和9月的病房報(bào)告大部分已經(jīng)散失。我以英國(guó)的《信息自由法》(Freedom of Information Act)為依據(jù)，要求查看這些資料。

　　My re-encounter with my mother involved painstaking negotiation with an archivist. At last Iwas presented with the weighty register for female patients. Entries are written with fountainpen in cursive script. In columns across the page my mother is identified. “Name: June BerniceCOHEN. Ref Number: 9413. Age: 29. Marital Status: Married. Religion: JEW.”

　　在和一位檔案管理員進(jìn)行過(guò)艱苦的交涉之后，我與母親再度重逢。最后我收到了一份沉甸甸的注冊(cè)表，里面是女性患者的資料。條目用鋼筆草體寫(xiě)成。在一些橫跨整頁(yè)的欄目中，我找到了母親的資料。“姓名：吉恩·伯尼斯·科恩。編號(hào)：9413。年齡：29歲?；橐鰻顩r：已婚。宗教：猶太教徒?！?/p>

　　I stared at her age — so young — and at the capitalized entry under religion: “JEW.” The nounform has a weight the adjective, Jewish, lacks. It seems loaded with a monosyllabic distaste,which was redoubled by the strange use of the uppercase. June was not religious. She is theyoungest on the page. She is also the only non-Christian.

　　我盯著她的年齡——如此年輕——以及宗教一欄中的大寫(xiě)字母：“JEW(猶太教徒)”。這個(gè)名詞形式，具有形容詞“Jewish(猶太)”所缺乏的分量。它似乎承載著一個(gè)單音節(jié)的厭惡，然后通過(guò)用奇怪的大寫(xiě)字母用法再次加倍。吉恩對(duì)宗教并不熱衷。她是這一頁(yè)上最年輕的患者。也是唯一的非

　　The first ward notes on my mother read, “History of depression in varying degrees since birthof second child, now fourteen months old. Husband is engaged in medical research. Patient hassome private psychotherapy and also modified insulin treatment at St. Mary’s last month,being discharged July 8th. On admission she was depressed, tearful and withdrawn.”

　　我母親的第一條病房記錄中寫(xiě)著，“自從生下第二個(gè)孩子，就患有不同程度的抑郁癥，現(xiàn)在已有14個(gè)月。丈夫從事醫(yī)學(xué)研究。患者接受過(guò)一些私人心理治療，上個(gè)月在圣瑪麗醫(yī)院(St. Mary’s)接受過(guò)改良的胰島素治療，于7月8日出院。入院時(shí)，她情緒沮喪、流淚、沉默不語(yǔ)。”

　　The doctor examining my mother was struck by how “her tension increased remarkably onmention of latest child.” I ran my fingers over the page and paused at “JEW.” I wanted to take asoothing poultice to her face.

　　“當(dāng)提到最近生下的孩子時(shí)，她的緊張程度明顯增加”，給她做檢查的醫(yī)生明顯地注意到了這一點(diǎn)。我的手指拂過(guò)頁(yè)面，并在“猶太教徒”上暫時(shí)停留。我想抹一些舒緩膏藥在她的臉上。

　　On July 28, 1958, my mother was visited by a Dr. Storey. He “confirms diagnosis of post-puerperal depression and advises Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT), which patient andhusband are now willing to accept.”

　　1958年7月28日，一位斯托雷醫(yī)生(Dr. Storey)對(duì)我母親進(jìn)行了診斷。他“確認(rèn)了產(chǎn)后抑郁癥的診斷，建議采取電痙攣療法(ECT)，患者和她的丈夫都表示接受”。

　　She first underwent electroshock treatment on July 30, 1958. I see my slight young motherwith metal plates on either side of her head, flattening her dark curls, her heart racing as herskull is enclosed in a high-voltage carapace. I can almost taste the material wedged in herover-salivating mouth for her to bite on as the current passes.

　　她首次經(jīng)受電擊治療是在1958年7月30日。我仿佛見(jiàn)到了我那年輕瘦小的母親，在頭兩側(cè)都戴上了金屬板，她黑色的卷發(fā)被壓平了，她的頭顱被裹在高電壓的頭罩之中，心臟在狂跳。我?guī)缀跄車L到塞進(jìn)她淌著口水的嘴里，讓她在電流通過(guò)時(shí)咬住的那個(gè)物體的質(zhì)地。

　　The treatment was repeated a second time, on Aug. 1, 1958. That was one day before my thirdbirthday. So, at last, that is where she was.

　　1958年8月1日，這種治療又重復(fù)了一次。一天之后，就是我的三歲生日。終于，我知道了她當(dāng)時(shí)在哪里。

　　I now have some facts to anchor memory, fragments to fill absence. My mother, who recoveredsufficiently to be stable, if fragile, for about 15 years through my childhood and adolescence,would suffer from manic depression, or bipolar disorder, through the latter third of her life.She died in 1999 at the age of 69. The ravages of this condition I observed; the onset of hermental instability I only felt.

　　現(xiàn)在，我了解了一些事實(shí)可以寄托回憶，也有了一些片段來(lái)填補(bǔ)母親不在身旁那段記憶的空白。母親的病情有了足夠的好轉(zhuǎn)，在我童年和少年的15年時(shí)間里，她盡管虛弱，但情況穩(wěn)定。但她在生命的最后三分之一，又會(huì)承受躁狂抑郁癥，也就是雙相障礙的痛苦。她在1999年去世，時(shí)年69歲。我目睹了疾病的摧殘，但只能憑感覺(jué)猜想她精神剛開(kāi)始不穩(wěn)定時(shí)的狀況。

　　The hidden hurts most. Mental illness is still too clouded in taboo. It took me a long time to findwhere my mother disappeared to. Knowledge in itself resolves nothing, but it helps.

　　隱藏的創(chuàng)傷最為痛苦。精神疾病仍然深深地籠罩在禁忌之中。我花了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間才發(fā)現(xiàn)母親消失后到了哪里。知道這一點(diǎn)，并不能解決任何問(wèn)題，但畢竟有所幫助。

　　Acceptance — it comes down to that. This is how I came to this point, and to this place, by thislooping road, from such anguish, and I am still alive and full of hope.

　　接受——歸根結(jié)底就是這樣。我就是這樣，經(jīng)過(guò)兜兜轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)的路程，從這樣的苦痛出發(fā)，走到了現(xiàn)在，來(lái)到了這里。而我還活著，還充滿希望。

　　母親永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)后悔!

　　Time is running out for my friend. While we are sitting at lunch she casually mentions she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

　　時(shí)光任苒，朋友已經(jīng)老大不小了。我們坐在一起吃飯的時(shí)候，她漫不經(jīng)心地提到她和她的丈夫正考慮要小孩。 “我們正在做一項(xiàng)調(diào)查，”她半開(kāi)玩笑地說(shuō)?！澳阌X(jué)得我應(yīng)該要個(gè)小孩嗎?”

　　"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous holidays..."

　　“他將改變你的生活?！蔽倚⌒囊硪淼卣f(shuō)道，盡量使語(yǔ)氣保持客觀?！斑@我知道?！彼鸬?，“周末睡不成懶覺(jué)，再也不能隨心所欲休假了……”

　　But that's not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be vulnerable forever.

　　但我說(shuō)的絕非這些。我注視著朋友，試圖整理一下自己的思緒。我想讓她知道她永遠(yuǎn)不可能在分娩課上學(xué)到的東西。我想讓她知道：分娩的有形傷疤可以愈合，但是做母親的情感傷痕卻永遠(yuǎn)如新，她會(huì)因此變得十分脆弱。

　　I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without thinking: "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.

　　我想告誡她：做了母親后，每當(dāng)她看報(bào)紙時(shí)就會(huì)情不自禁地聯(lián)想：“如果那件事情發(fā)生在我的孩子身上將會(huì)怎樣啊!”每一次飛機(jī)失事、每一場(chǎng)住宅火災(zāi)都會(huì)讓她提心吊膽。看到那些忍饑挨餓的孩子們的照片時(shí)，她會(huì)思索：世界上還有什么比眼睜睜地看著自己的孩子餓死更慘的事情呢?我打量著她精修細(xì)剪的指甲和時(shí)尚前衛(wèi)的衣服，心里想到：不管她打扮多么考究，做了母親后，她會(huì)變得像護(hù)崽的母熊那樣原始而不修邊幅。

　　I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting, and she will think her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is all right.

　　我覺(jué)得自己應(yīng)該提醒她，不管她在工作上投入了多少年，一旦做了母親，工作就會(huì)脫離常規(guī)。她自然可以安排他人照顧孩子，但說(shuō)不定哪天她要去參加一個(gè)非常重要的商務(wù)會(huì)議，卻忍不住想起寶寶身上散發(fā)的甜甜乳香。她不得不拼命克制自己，才不致于為了看看孩子是否安然無(wú)羔而中途回家。

　　I want my friend to know that every decision will no longer be routine. That a five-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. The issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in the lavatory. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

　　我想告訴朋友，有了孩子后，她將再也不能按照慣例做出決定。在餐館，5歲的兒子想進(jìn)男廁而不愿進(jìn)女廁將成為擺在她眼前的一大難題：她將在兩個(gè)選擇之間權(quán)衡一番：尊重孩子的獨(dú)立和性別意識(shí)，還是讓他進(jìn)男廁所冒險(xiǎn)被潛在的兒童性騷擾者侵害?任憑她在辦公室多么果斷，作為母親，她仍經(jīng)常事后后悔自己當(dāng)時(shí)的決定。

　　Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the added weight of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her own life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. She would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years — not to accomplish her own dreams — but to watch her children accomplish theirs.

　　注視著我的這位漂亮的朋友，我想讓她明確地知道，她最終會(huì)恢復(fù)到懷孕前的體重，但是她對(duì)自己的感覺(jué)已然不同。她現(xiàn)在視為如此重要的生命將隨著孩子的誕生而變得不那么寶貴。為了救自己的孩子，她時(shí)刻愿意獻(xiàn)出自己的生命。但她也開(kāi)始希望多活一些年頭，不是為了實(shí)現(xiàn)自己的夢(mèng)想，而是為了看著孩子們美夢(mèng)成真。

　　I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a ball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts.

　　我想向朋友形容自己看到孩子學(xué)會(huì)擊球時(shí)的喜悅之情。我想讓她留意寶寶第一次觸摸狗的絨毛時(shí)的捧腹大笑。我想讓她品嘗快樂(lè)，盡管這快樂(lè)真實(shí)得令人心痛。

　　My friend's look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then, squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings.

　　朋友的表情讓我意識(shí)到自己已經(jīng)是熱淚盈眶。“你永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)后悔，”我最后說(shuō)。然后緊緊地握住朋友的手，為她、為自己、也為每一位艱難跋涉、準(zhǔn)備響應(yīng)母親職業(yè)神圣的召喚的平凡女性獻(xiàn)上自己的祈禱。